I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
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Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
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Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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