Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
where are you?
Hypothermia
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
