im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
