Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
