i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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