let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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