My sheets look like a crime scene.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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