I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
