i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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