He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
