Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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