i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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