Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
