a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
