Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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