The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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