Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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