I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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