After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
