so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
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