she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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