I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
