Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
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Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
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My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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