a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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