i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
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Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize