the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
