do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
