You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
