I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
