I'm pants shitting drunk right now
It's Friday. Sex?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
