So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
