My hand turned me down
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
