The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
