The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
