Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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