I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
