new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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