i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
