I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
