She's JV to your varsity
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
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I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
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No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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