Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize