Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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