You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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