Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
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her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
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Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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