I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
