Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
