my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
