i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
