We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
