and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
