I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
