Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
