I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
