Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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