i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You pole danced in your parka.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Dear god my vagina.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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