Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
