I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
