I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
